The “men’s bathroom”, a place I have used all my life but also a place where I’m still made to feel intimidated almost every time.
I used to be the person who’d wait awkwardly for the stalls in a packed men’s toilets because the toxic masculinity would smell almost as potent as the cheap men’s deodorant.
But now I go freely, as I should. I stand confidently at the urinal for those 30 seconds with my skirt, short shorts and/or dress with an accompanying suitable heel flamboyantly on display.
But, in saying that, it also depends on where I am because regardless of my confidence or gender, my safety comes first.
Being an AMAB femme presenting non-binary person with gorgeous locks and great legs can have its perks; but more often than not, it causes a disruption within society where I’m either questioned/laughed at/filmed without my consent/screamed at from moving vehicles. Or even sometimes said moving vehicles stop and men get out of the car and threaten me.
In saying that, I’d like to preface this by saying that I come from a privileged position where I live in a safe home and work in an industry that allows me to dress the way I want to avoid any sort of dysphoria.
For years now, trans people have been shunned, their rights have been taken away or they’ve been told they’re not allowed to use the bathroom which affirms their gender identity.
Take a look at icon Hunter Schafer; before her star turning performance in Euphoria, she was a young trans activist. Her home state of North Carolina had “House Bill 2” pass which forced transgender people into bathrooms that are contrary to their gender identity. The same state also banned anti-discrimination protections for the state’s entire LBGTQIA+ community. As a 17 year old child, Hunter had to fight this.
Just two months ago, a Sydney council tried to place a blanket ban on same-sex parenting books from local libraries in Western Sydney due to Steve Christou saying “our kids shouldn’t be sexualised”.
He went on to say: “They don’t want such controversial issues going against their beliefs indoctrinated to their libraries. This is not Marrickville or Newtown, this is Cumberland city council.”
To that I say, being gay, queer or trans are not controversial issues. What is controversial is creating a divide within society where a minority group will now be subjected to even more discrimination and potential violence.
Shame. On. You.
Thankfully this was quickly overturned and the allies came to our defence. Talk Valentina!!!
Hi! I’m Sandy 🙂 (Credit: Instagram / @sandymcintyre_)
I took a selfie in the men’s bathroom of a bar the other day ‘cos I thought the outfit was cute but upon posting it to my Instagram Stories later that evening, I couldn’t help but question if the image just looked a bit… wrong.
Do I belong there? Technically yes, but emotionally and sometimes physically, no. I pee all the time, ask my friends (I’m imagining them rolling their eyes in a comedic manner) and I’m sure it has something to do with me constantly drinking water and/or coffee but I feel it also may be because there’s a slight layer of anxiety constantly festering as I’m worried that if there’s not a unisex bathroom then I’m going to have to endure that awful place once more as eight times out of 10, it’s a mission.
I’ve had long hair for around 10 years and the number of times a woman has followed me into the men’s bathroom assuming I was female from behind is countless. Although this is somewhat humorous, I now tend to look behind me to give them a warning that they’re entering the “wrong” bathroom. One time, my lesbian friend with short hair and I were both followed to the loo by two people, a man and a woman — only the man followed her, and the woman followed me which made for a laugh at the bar moments later.
Using the bathroom is a basic human right, but for myself and other nonbinary and trans folk, it’s an incredibly vulnerable situation where we are made to feel uncomfortable whilst, at the same time, we feel the pressure to make others feel comfortable in our presence.
There are a few lines that I have in my back pocket to make the men feel less embarrassed about the situation, which immediately puts me in a line of fire.
But thankfully, it’s usually met with an awkward smile.
“No, it’s okay, you’re in the right place’.”
“Don’t worry, it’s the men’s bathroom”.
“I know, it’s confusing, I look like a gorge 6ft female from behind but rest assured, I’m still a gorge 6ft human from the front too”.
But one time wasn’t so “sweet”.
I was in a remote town while casting for a TV show and in situations like this, it feels unprofessional to use the bathroom in the talent’s home, so I’d drive around seeking out the nearest location, which in most cases would be a pub.
When I walked in, I was met with an immediate death stare as I asked if I could use their bathroom.
The bar manager said, “Sure but, if you’re not out in 5 minutes I’ll be punching you in the face”… I was terrified but knew that there wasn’t another option for over 25km. One of the patrons, a “gentleman” in his 60s, I’m assuming overheard this conversation so he followed me into the toilets, watched me at the urinal as I did my business, continued to watch me wash my hands and then followed me out again until I left the venue. I remember sitting in my car for what felt like hours afterwards, shocked that this had happened and was reminded that I am, yet again, not safe.
So yes, going to the bathroom; a simple human act has made me aware that this is not simple at all for our community. But alas, I’ll not let these fools win and now having written this, I’m proud of this photo.
Queer people belong everywhere and until we’re given the right to use the bathrooms that align to our gender identity and feel safe doing so, we need to — I repeat — NEED TO be our own biggest cheerleaders as in these situations, we’re isolated, vulnerable and are required to remind ourselves that we are deserving of using the bathroom in a system that has failed us.
Sandy McIntyre is a nonbinary model, actor, producer and writer based in Gadigal. You can find them on Insta.
