Donald Trump & Joe Biden’s First Debate Was A Dumpster Fire — Here’s The 9 Best Moments

By

Lachlan Hodson

Published

The first debate between Joe Biden and Donald Trump of the 2024 American Presidential campaign is over, and somehow neither candidate died of old age while on stage. It’s Trump vs Biden all over again, god bless America.

To say that the CNN debate was a pleasure to watch would be a lie. It was a hot mess that involved two old white American dudes stammering through sentences and arguing with each other about bullshit. At one point they literally challenged each other to a golf match.

What makes matters worse is that this was only the first of three debates that America will have to endure in the rematch between the guy who started an insurrection when he lost the 2020 American election, and the guy who only won it because he wasn’t the first guy. Because hey, there’s nothing more American than a god-awful sequel!

(Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

However, the saving grace of the Trump Vs Biden debate (and November election) is that we live in Australia. Which changes the tune of the the entire event from “Oh god the country is doomed” to “Ha! Good thing I don’t live there!”

Once you realise that, then suddenly all the mess going on in the so-called ‘United’ States Of America become much more entertaining. And though the result of the 2024 Presidential election undoubtedly has massive implications to the rest of the world, we can’t control that.

So as the first embers of the dumpster fire that will cause the end of humanity begin to spark, why not enjoy yourself a little by reading a recap of the top nine best/worst moments of the Trump vs Biden CNN debate?

Nine Of The Best Moments From Trump & Biden’s CNN Debate

1. “I didn’t have sex with a porn star.”

Off to a cracking start aren’t we?

At one point in the debate, President Biden slammed Donald Trump’s morals and ethics, and critiqued him for the fact that he slept with porn star Stormi Daniels in 2006, and then offered her hush money in 2016 prior to his election as president.

Cheating on your wife isn’t a crime, but using campaign funds to cover it up is, and in May this year Trump was found guilty of all 34 charges in a scheme to illegally influence the 2016 election. Trump denies everything, of course, including having sex with Daniels in the first place, but Biden used this court proven fact to get under his skin anyway.

Unfortunately, Trump’s skin is impervious to facts and he immediately shut Biden down.

“I didn’t have sex with a porn star. Number one,” Trump said.

An amazing rebuttal. No feedback. Yes king, that is exactly how you debate.

Some people even pointed out that while Biden stammered out the list of Trump’s unethical behaviour, Trump actually cracked a smile as if he was remembering that steamy night in 2006.

Everybody will just ignore the fact that Stormi Daniels went into extreme detail on the witness stand to describe her encounter with you. Or that time she told Jimmy Kimmel exactly what Trump’s mushroom looked like.

I can’t believe this country is real.

2. Biden loves saying “malarkey”.

Joe Biden is often criticised for being old and out of touch. Sometimes this does give him the advantage against others though, because being born before English was invented means you know funny old people words.

Words such as “malarkey”, which Biden says approximately 14 trillion times a day.

On the topic of terrorism, Trump stated that: “There was no terror at all under my administration.”

To which President Biden got so enraged he used the rudest word he knew.

“I never heard so much malarkey in my whole life,” said Joe.

Really got him there man, nice.

3. Biden calls Trump a “sucker” and a “loser”.

Okay I lied, Joe does know a ruder word than “malarkey” — two in fact. And he wasn’t afraid to bring out the big guns and say them on the live CNN broadcast.

In response to Donald Trump name-calling Biden’s son Hunter, Joe got really fired up. More fired up than we’ve ever really seen him actually. Biden defended his son, and then dropped a devastating burn.

“My son was not a loser, he was not a sucker. You’re the sucker. You’re the loser,” said Joe.

I think the following tweet appropriately sums up everyone’s feelings about this sick Biden burn.

4. “I really don’t know what he said.”

You have gotta hand it to Donald Trump, he would be an amazing contestant on Rupaul’s Drag Race. We saw this at one point when Biden finished answering a question about immigration, and the Home Alone 2 star was asked how he would like to respond.

“I really don’t know what he said at the end of that sentence,” admitted Trump, before adding: “I don’t think he knows what he said either.”

I really do hate when Trump pops off with an amazing one-liner like that, but I will be adding this one to my circulating list of phrases.

And as a bonus, this Trumpism from the debate was also an instant classic. Slay, queen Donny, slay.

5. Trump might not accept the election results.

This one is a biggie.

You might remember that in 2021 a group of Trump supporters stormed Washington’s Capitol building? Well that was because Donald Trump refused to admit defeat in the 2020 US Presidential election.

Every other failed candidate in American history conceded the loss once the votes had been counted, no matter how close it was.

Trump set a dangerous precedent by not admitting he lost, and instead spread dangerous rumours that the votes are rigged, which ultimately damages the very concept of American democracy.

So when Trump was asked during the debate if he would accept the results of the 2024 election, it was pretty worrying when he gave a vague response.

Here’s what he had to say:

6. Old men fight about golf.

As if all the jokes about this election being like watching two grandparents have a fight weren’t enough, at one point during the debate these two old dickheads starting talking about who is better at golf.

Biden bragged about having a lower handicap than Trump, then challenged him to a match if Trump would “carry your own bag”.

“I’ve seen your swing, I know your swing,” Trump retorted.

The fact that Trump was the one who stopped the squabble by insisting they don’t “act like children” is bloody embarrassing.

 After this performance, I’m questioning whether either of these men could make it 18 holes.

So yes, I would love to see them play golf against each other. Whoever doesn’t collapse by the back nine gets the White House.

7. Biden roasts Trump for being a convicted felon.

When Donald Trump was found guilty on all 34 counts of fraud by a New York jury, it was huge news.

Many expected this to be a major blow to Trump’s campaign, and we are still seeing the full extent of the damage.

One aspect of said damage is now it means that whenever Trump uses his classic “X belongs in jail” line, Biden has the perfect response hidden right up his sleeve.

8. “You have the morals of an alley cat.”

Aside from calling Trump a sucker and loser, Biden did have one other iconic zinger he used against Trump during the debate.

While listing Trump’s many dodgy behaviours and convictions of crimes, Biden produced this absolute banger.

“You have the morals of an alley cat,” said the US President.

He kinda ate with this, NGL.

I will be calling all of my friends alley cats from now on. Thank you Joe Biden for finally contributing something as president.

9. Biden would not stop coughing.

Kid you not, Biden would not stop coughing throughout the entire debate. Please, somebody give the man a lozenge.

Biden is known for having a stutter. Nothing wrong with a stutter. But throw in a reputation for becoming increasingly incoherent and the constant coughing, and it felt like the man was going to die.

Sentences were punctuated with sputters and wheezes. As Americans online pointed out, every cough felt like it would be his last.

Honestly somebody please take care of their grandpa’s grandpa. He’s gonna die before we make it to November.

Anyway, I guess we’ll try and do more coverage of the 2024 American Presidential election in future, if the country exists that long.

If not, farewell America, you had a good run. Thanks for Big Macs, iPhones, and Paul Rudd.

[Image: Getty]

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