'Penthouse' Offers $1 Million For Rights To Trump's Alleged Piss Tape
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One thing they never tell you when you're a kid is that all that adult political talk you don't understand has days where it's completely dominated by speculation about whether or not the President-elect of the United States of America was captured on film by Russian secret service paying sex workers to piss on a bed to get revenge on the then-President.
Although, there's a fair chance they didn't tell us that as kids because no one anticipated the future would be this fucking stupid.
Today has been, in no uncertain terms, profoundly bizarre. As we've discussed elsewhere, the report published by Buzzfeed claiming that Trump did the above is almost certainly untrue and it was irresponsible-bordering-on-dangerous for them to publish said report without verifying it.
While this will only serve to galvanise his supporters' distrust of the media and diminish the credibility of the political left-wing, it has at least had two benefits: it has made Trump very mad, and created a goldmine (sorry) of wonderful piss-themed internet content.
Filth merchants / erotica curators 'Penthouse' have decided to weigh in on the issue, offering a cool million bucks to anyone who can get their sneaky hands on a copy of the FSB's incriminating tape of Trump's alleged little pee party.
ATTENTION:— Penthouse (@Penthouse) January 11, 2017
We are offering up to $1-million for exclusive rights to the FSB tapes of Donald Trump's #goldenshowers
Obviously, there are a few problems with this. Firstly, the tapes are almost certainly non-existent. Secondly, presuming that it is indeed the FSB who have the tapes, probably a million US bucks does not mean all that much to them. Thirdly, the point of having material to blackmail someone with is that no one else that material, giving it up now would make it worthless.
Clearly, they were joking, but they followed up with a nearly-convincingly-heartfelt letter from the CEO of 'Penthouse' to TheWrap, claiming that they are merely acting in the interests of good journalism:
"We, along with the rest of the free world, are intrigued by the report alleging President-Elect Donald Trump employed sex workers to perform a “golden showers” show in the presidential suite of the Ritz Carlton hotel in Moscow."However, while many media outlets are content running a story based on conjecture and rumor, we at Penthouse are committed to the value of getting the story right rather than getting it first. So we are offering up to $1-million to secure exclusive rights to the FSB tapes documenting Trump’s Russian hotel hijinks. After all, seeing is believing."Penthouse Magazine has a rich history of celebrating people’s differences, fetishes and sexual preferences. We have also made great steps educating the public on the difference in having wild kinky fun versus engaging in risky or damaging behavior. We are comfortable giving our president-elect the benefit of the doubt, but if this footage exists, we the people deserve to know the truth."
Well done to them for not throwing their piss-fan fans under the bus, that's some bloody class.
The news, huh - it's pretty weird.
Photo: Getty Images / Justin Sullivan.