"Meet me back here outside Hoyts at 2:30pm; Jessica, you get the Boost Juice (Mango Magic, please); Tommy G, you hit up the food court (nothing with cashews), and I'll get the dextromethamphetamine" is something that Sydney youths everywhere will soon be saying after reports in The Daily Telegraph have revealed that The Hells Angels Motorcycle Club (HMAC) are attempting to lure teenagers into their hirsute crime cartels and are shopping for recruits in your local mall.

NSW Police have reportedly been inundated with new information (the same way Tommy G has suddenly been inundated with all this extra-curricular 'chemistry homework') "from witnesses and new victims" previously unknown to them about a burgeoning army of pubescent drug mules. Inspector Gary Bailey stated that "all this information is now being assessed."

According to The Telegraph, your local shopping mall - once a community safe-haven of commerce, now a seething hotbed of vice - is being targeted by those leathery seraphim to recruit, intimidate and rob teens, who are also being used as bait to extort money (in the thousands) from their parents.

Increased police patrols have recently "forced offenders underground and [NSW Police] want the public to come forward" with more information to prevent children, particularly riff-raff street urchins with a history of substance abuse like Tommy G, from being targeted.

Residents of Sydney's Hills District in particular (Baulkham, not Surry, Pennant, Beverly, Orchard, Terry or Seven) are urged to be alert, and maybe a little alarmed. If you see something, like a fat old dude with ink and a bushy beard in leathers talking to Tommy with his fists, you should probably say something.

The criminal infiltration of suburbia continues after news broke last year that crippling HECS debt is forcing the current generation of University students to cook meth and break bad. 

Following on from that, last month A Town Called Bourke in rural NSW was named the most dangerous place in the entire universe, followed by the Sydney CBD.

Basically nowhere is safe.

Real talk: to report a crime to Crime Stoppers anonymously dial 1800 333 000 from anywhere in Australia or provide information online here.


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